Perhaps you can gently convince Dennis to pick a single project that the two of you can work on together. Start off small and try complete a single project. This might send him in the right direction. A friend and his wife both have some medical problems. He has some one come in to clean once a week because it is difficult for her to do. When it comes to him, he is going to go out and buy the best snow blower he can get and even if it is difficult for him to do, he will clear the snow instead of getting someone else to do it. He won't even ask his son to do it. His son does a lot for him now, but that is one thing he insists on doing. There have been times this summer that I let the grass go uncut, but if Leslie wanted to sit out back and watch the boats go past the house I would do eveything I could to have a comfortable spot for her.
Alice
Have you considered using an outdoor chaise lounge in the house for Scott to sit in. The first night Leslie came home from the heart surgery she couldn't stay in bed very long. She started in bed for a while, I moved her out to the sofa, then to a recliner, then to an office chair and about 2 o'clock in the morning I went out to the shed and brought in some lawn furniture. We got through the night and each night got better. The thing I didn't think of, like you mentioned, was an air matress or and inflatable bed. Comfort is important.
Kathi,I have the same thing with Scott. We have alot of unfinished projects and tools laying around.I too,don't want to take this away from him, so I corralled the tools,I did leave them where he could see them.Like Walt mentioned, pick one thing you can do together.We had been refinishing a bookcase that he had made for me. Right now he can't handle the tools but we both have been sanding the bookcase by hand.with sandpaper on a block.I had mentioned in an earlier post that I didn't want to do anything alone, that we use to do together. It may take a little time to get the projects done but the time spent with them is well worth it :)
Thank you Kathi,for telling me about your experience with your family.Scott is like Dennis,he wouldn't want us to miss an event either.
Walt, thank you for the idea of the chaise lounge,Scott has gotten a bit uncomfortable in the recliner. I'm going to try the chaise lounge during the day for him.
Hi. Here are my plans. I decided we are still going to move.I'm going to continue packing, and downsize on alot of things. We had downsized when we moved here, but I will downsize even more.Too many things going on around here,too much drama,and I really want Scott to be able to rest. I need a peaceful place for all of us.
Here's when I find out how organized I can get. I'm not use to doing things without Scott and I discussing things first.Something I need to get use to.
I know our son,will be helping us move and his two brother laws offered to help. I have two friends that have offered to help,too. So hopefully I have it covered. :) I figure if I go room by room,pack and label what we don't immediately need, I can put them in the garage for now and be half way ready to move when we find another place. I used to love it here,living in a back house, a yard of our own,but it's time to move on.We were only going to stay here until Scott retired and we'd move to Idaho but plans changed. Now I will look someplace nearby,where it's easy for family to get to.
Alice, good luck in your search. Leslie's sister moved fairly recently and she wasn't too involved (because of illness) in the search for a house. Her husband who never had a good record of buying sensibly went looking for a house. This is a man who years ago bought a Volkswagen Thing and a Fiat 850 (two seater sports car) when it was a family of five. Luckily his sister helped him look and she was talking to Leslie the whole time to find out there needs and unbelievably he found a place that actually suited them very well. So maybe with age comes (some) widom. They moved into an over 55 community and it seems to be what was good for both of them.
Hi Walt, I'm sure glad he had some help finding a place. Funny how you mentioned an over 55 community. I had been looking into those too. Our son and I had been talking about it.He has been getting information about different ones for us and there are alot close by to him and the family. One community have everything but a supermarket! :D I found that interesting. Way back when, when my Dad passed away we had looked into one for my mom,but my mom didn't like it,she ended up staying in her own home with my brother. She said she liked sitting outside watching the grass grow. :) I guess they aren't for everyone. I have to consider the financial aspect of it all,and do some budgeting and since hospital have come in now and other things have come up,I will need to see what is possible to do.But like in all things,I will pray about it.
I am looking at things that I'm packing and realizing there's quite a bit I can get rid now. I've never liked change but then it is one thing that is guaranteed in life. So I just need to go with it and go day by day,step by step.
My mom would never move out of her house. She was bound and determined never to leave. Mom and I live in New Jersey, my kids live in California and my brother, his five kids and a whole slew of others live in Georgia. I tried to convince her to move to Georgia. She said that wouldn't happen. Well she went down ther for a visit and got sick, but did okay. Ehen she was feeling good she was at basketball games, gymnastic events, cheerleading and many other things. She loved being with all the kids grand kids etc. She passed away while she was down ther after two years. I would jump on the train for a 16 hour ride, visit for 14 hours jump back on the train and come home. She missed New Jersey but so much enjoyed watching the little ones grow up. It made me a realist. If necessary, I'll sell my house which I bought because it is on the water, I keep my boat at the back door and love the wildlife that swims by, walks by and flies by, and move to someplace more managable. I'll be 70 shortly and I just can't do evey thing that I used to do. So again good luck in the hunt for a new place to live.
Thanks to both of you for your advice regarding unfinished projects. I think I've been so overwhelmed by the unfinished mess that I'm unable to tackle any of it. I'm pretty sure he'll like the idea of picking a single one and doing it together (when I'm not working). And we will probably enjoy the time together. We stopped doing that because he sleeps until 10:30 or noon (because nights are difficult) and then requires a couple of hours and pain medications to be able to move around. By the time he's ready to work, I'm already done in for the day. Just typing the words makes me want to cry or yell and crawl back into my safe place where I'm immobilized. But I'll be brave and give this another try.
On a brighter note, we attended a family event yesterday - all of us! Dennis really enjoyed himself and the family was thrilled to see him. We left early as he wasn't feeling well but it was a great few hours. Quality of life, indeed.
Alice, good luck with your move. It's a lot to take on but it will be worth it if it makes things simpler.
I'm so glad that Dennis was able to go to a family event. It usually brightens everybody's heart when that happens. By doing that the others might take more of an interest in his daily life. Which might ease your burden a little.
Schedules can make working together difficult to impossible. Perhaps you can have Dennis do some work on a small project by himself and when you can the two of you can finish it. Leslie is doing more around the house, I just came home from shopping and she was running the vacuum. This is one of the things (she never liked) that bothered her back. When I got home I asked if there were any places she was having trouble getting to. I helped a little and finished up. She was very pleased with the results and thanked me for helping. She got a lot of satisfaction out of doing that and I only had to help a little bit.
Alice,
As you pack those boxes you will probably have a LOT of memories in the process. Stop and enjoy some of those memories and know that there will be more in the new place.
Hi everyone. Good to hear everyone is handling there "stuff" pretty well, all things considered.
Sorry I've not been around. Lots of stuff to do.
But I saw this conversation and thought I'd jump in. We have lived in this house now for well over half of our life together. LOTS of memories here. Beloved pets came and went. Our youngest was just starting middle school when we got here. SHe has since graduated from Texas A&M (with honors) and gotten married and gotten a good job she loves. My injury and recovery. My wife's illness and passing. And I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life. Ever. THIS is home to me.
BUT
I am coming up on 60 and I have problems walking and doing stuff due to an injury to both feet in 2008. Also, since the petts have all died, the kids are all gone, and now my wife is gone. This house that seemd so little before si now huge and empty. Plus it takes a lot to keep it and the yard in even decent shape. And now every time I do stuff I just don't see th epoint and it makes me incredibly sad and lonely. I think it is time to make a new start. Take the good memories with me and try to leave as many bad ones as I can in this house as I walk away from it.
There is a new sundivision nearby that takes care of all the landscaping and the properties are not a lot smaller, but just enough smaller to not be rattling aeoun din them. And they are somewhat isolated so they will be nice and quiet and have views of a wooded area along a creek as well as an oak grove behind the church where my wife worked. Lots of open sky, pretty trees, and birds flying overhead. It will be months before I have to make the final decision whether to build there, but right now it sounds like a good way to stat rebuilding from whatever I can salvage out of the rest of my life.
The new subdivision sounds wonderful.I wish you well in your new start.You will make new memories to add to the old ones. As you start rebuilding your life,I wish you happiness and joy in your future. Yes,it's hard to see it now,but one day you will smile again, maybe the smile will be bittersweet,but it will come.
I will soon be on the same journey, you are now on. I took Scott to the hospital yesterday. I had to come home this morning and bring Jennie,make sure Jennie had something to eat. We will return again to the hospital early in the morning and stay. It is just a matter of time before God takes Scott home and I will be there to walk him home. His cancer came back with a vengence and he also has pnuemonia.All this in a matter of two weeks. I,like you,will start to rebulid my life. And I too will smile one day,be it bittersweet. I wish you many blessings in your life.
Hi Alice. I'm sorry to hear of Scott's bad turn. My JJ's cancer behaved the same way but she was at least blessed that the cancer in here cranial fluid made her passing easier and not the long, drawn out, and agonizing (for all of us) affair we all feared. I hope and pray that when Scott's time comes, it is just as easy and peaceful for him and that you can take comfort in the knowing that although he is not with you in body, his spirit will always be with you and free of the pain and suffering you all endured. I don't know what faith, if any, you practice, but even though I am still very angry at God, I know that some day I will see my dear JJ again and we will both be happier and healthier together then and forever after than we have been in any of the several years past. I just have to endure this interval without her until then. I hope there is something in there for you to lean on as well.
That sounds like a great place. It means a lot as we age and can't be as mobile as we used to be. Having someone do the lawn and landscaping means you can still take pride in the way your house looks even though you don't have to do the bulk of the work.
Alice,
I'm sorry that the cancer has come back. My prayers are with you and I hope there is not much discomfort for Scott.
Alice, I'm so sorry to here that Scott is in the hospital and you're faced with this. Smedley, we haven't met but you have my condolences. Of course, I fear my husband's passing more than anything and it's comforting to hear that you have survived that fate and that you are starting to move to new things. Bless you both.
We had a college student come to interview Dennis the other night. She's doing a thesis on the chronically ill and how they cope. My daughter, Emily, and I were also part of the interview. It went on for 3 1/2 hours and was extremely enlightening and heartening. We don't talk about his illness that much. We just attend to today's stuff and plan a little for tomorrow. But we had to lay out the process from the beginning 15 years ago. The first year was hell and she asked a lot of questions about that adjustment process. It made all 3 of us realize how much has changed and how well we've adjusted. We still have a happy life. Emily cried a couple of times when he talked about sometimes wanting to die - just to end the pain. We really haven't shared that with her before.She's 21 now but we're still very protective. She was in kindergarten when he became ill. But, all in all, it was a wonderful experience. It helped me see the broader picture of the journey we're on.
Dennis is suffering this week (nothing new, it just happens) but we are all feeling closer and really content. This experience was so cathartic. I have to recommend it to anyone living iwith chronic illness. Find a stranger and tell them your story. Life is a strange and magical thing and so are families.
In a way, this forum serves the same purpose and I'm grateful to all of you for being here.
Hi Kathi. Thanks and take heart in that there is nothing to fear. Sure, there will be painful times and you may have financial or legal issues. I have no idea what your situation is. But you will get through it. You've made it this far so we all know you have the strength and the character. You just have to go a little farther and hang on until things start to get better. Take it all as you have. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. God bless.
The interview sounds like it really opened all of you up. I think what happens is when people ask how your spouse is doing , they receive a quick overview of what is happening. With the interview you look into the past and into your heart and explain the whole process. It sounds like it was helpful to all of you.
Alice
My prayers are with you.
Smedley
I hope things are getting easier everyday for you.
Karen
I hope you are alright and my prayers and thoughts are pulling for you.
Walt, thanks so much for all your positive messages. It helps.
I tell myself that Dennis is the same level of sick that he's always been and that this will go on the way it is for the next 15 or 20 years. But the interview did make me look at how much he has deteriorated in the past 15 years, and especially within the past 2 years. He's now down to 128 pounds (he started at 180 pounds). He's lost the weight gradually but in the last year he lost 20 pounds. I don't know what to make of this. It worries me. What if he loses 20 pounds next year, too? And his neuropathy has reached the point where he doesn't know where his feet are any more and he falls a lot. He also drops things and burns or cuts his hands pretty regularly. I haven't talked to his nephrologist for a couple of years now. Dennis tells me that she says he should eat anything he wants and lots of it. He eats like a teenager - tons of calories but the weight continues to fall. Of course, when he's really sick and in bed, he eats nothing. The doc explained once that because of his lack of kidney function, he does not absorb nutrition like he should. So, should I be worried (more than usual)? Writing this down has made me realize that I need to talk to his doctor and ask her the hard questions. But I don't wanna..... (whine). Perhaps I don't want to know the answers.
So often it is difficult to ask the questions because you don't know if the answers will give you hope or be what you don't want to hear. I would say with the food issue give him what he wants. So many times Leslie couldn't decide what to eat so she ate very little. She said nothing tasted right. We ate a lot of pizza.
Thank you all for your words prayers and kindness. We are still in the hospital. Scott was taken off of life support and we have started hospice, the people here are wonderful. Every moment I have with him is precious. We,I,our son,and daughter are in a private room with him, which is run by the hospice program.
Smedley,I understand your anger at God. He could have stopped it,but chose not to. We don't understand His ways. I'm a Christian and I do lean on my faith, but I don't push it on anyone. :) it's who I am. You have given much to me to lean on, just having you come back after losing your JJ has been helpful to me. You mentioned the emptiness in your home so I was prepared when it happened to me, I realized he wasn't coming back home when I posted last time. When you mentioned a new place, it gave me hope that my decision to move was the right one,but it will only be the two of us instead of three. I have found that God doesn't always stop what happens but He sends the right people to you when you need them, for that I thank you for coming back.
Walt, when I was going through my depression you helped me,thank you. Right now I am on an even keel, surprising with that's going on.
Thank you,Kathi. talking does help doesn't it. I'm glad talking to a stranger and telling her about your lives,helped you so much,I'm glad that you were able to help her with her thesis. Having found this board has been so helpful for me as well. Since I have been here at the hospital, I have been telling everyone about my life with Scott and the kind of person that he is.I want them to see him through my eyes,not through theirs. They see a frail old person, I still see the robust man from a year and a half ago. :) and yes,I show his picture :D Scott has lost alot of weight this year, I also see that too, and I worried because he was eating but still losing weight. I'm glad you are going to check with your husband's Dr. and find out why.
I will be back, don't know when,but I know it will be soon. Thanks all.
Alice, You ARE surprisingly serene. That must come from your faith. May it sustain you through whatever comes next. It's so great that the family can be there all the time. Hospice is a wonderful thing. I hope Scott's journey is peaceful and pain free. He knows he's loved.
Kathi, thank you.Your words have helped me.Last night I walked the Love of My Life. home. Scott passed away last night. The four of us were together one last time as a family and Scott,went gently and peacefully. I will miss him so much. Right now I'm not feeling alot,but I know I will soon, and when I do,I will lean on God. I will come back soon. Kathi, I hope I can be of help to you.
I'm only a couple about 8 weeks farther down the road than you. I understand how you feel at this moment and my heart aches for you and what you are going through. I can't offer any more wsdon than anyone else. Only know that even only a couple months out I am already satarting to see a few rays of sunlight poking through the dark clouds that have hung over me. I hope, pray, and believe it will be the same for you. Even as things get better, there will be rough spots. It's OK. Just let those moments play out. Some will be brief and miled, others long and difficult. But you will make it through. In the darkest times always remember that there are others out here who are thinking of you and praying that you will find peace and comfort in God's arms and in the knowledge that Scott is no longer suffering.
I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are that the lord will lead you where you have to go. It is wonderful that you could all be together and that the passing was gentle and peaceful.
Thank you Walt, For your prayers. I will follow God's leading,it's hard to know what the next step is. Once I made my commitment to God,I said lead and I will follow. My first steps are unsteady but it is one step foward.
Alice, I'm sorry about Scott's passing. Walt said it well. You got to be there with him through the entire journey. I'm glad for that. Take care of yourself now. I hope you'll be as good at that as you were at taking care of Scott. Bless you. When you feel up to it, I look forward to your return.
Your words bring comfort to me. Thank you for your prayers. I'm glad you see a few rays of sunshine through your dark clouds. To know that Scott is no longer suffering eases my aching heart. Knowing God will countinue to walk with me through the rest of this journey,helps me feel that I can get through this.
Again,here I sit, and I'm feeling so alone. I went to make arrangements and afterwards,Jennie and I decided to go out for lunch,neither of us wanted to return home. Last night was a tough night,I didn't want to go to sleep,I guess I dozed off because I woke up startled and thought,I need to check on Scott,then reality set it. All I can do is sit here and sigh. This too shall pass.
I wanted to write something, but I honestly don't know what to write. I sit here at the keyboard drained because I'm at a loss for anything encouraging to write. I just hope and pray that you will get through this stage quickly. Even that doesn't sound right.
The words are exactly right. Thank you.You did say something encouraging. You said you hope and pray that I get through this stage quickly. You,acknowledged my grief. Thank you, that's as good as a hug, which I was needing now. (i hope that didn't sound too forward)
I'm picking out the music and it hit me between the eyes, it blindsided me, I didn't see it coming.
I spoke to my sister yesterday,she asked me if I would be willing to move in with her daughter. The idea is very appealing,,because we would be moving closer to my sister.I'm finding that I don't really want to be here, if I could have walked away from here yesterday, I would have,but that wouldn't be very rational. :) And walking away or running away is not what I do when things get tough. I think I haven't been leaning into God's strength and rest. Rest, meaning "just being" for a moment.
Thank you,Walt for bearing with me here,I appreciate it.
I do a lot of little (sometimes big) jobs for neighbors, family and friends and all I've ever wanted in return was a hug. That means more than a thank you (those are nice too) and you saying "that's as good as a hug" meant the world to me.
There may be many (seemingly) small things that will stop you in your tracks. Hopefully they will be because you are remembering something that brought you great pleasure.
The idea of moving in with your niece can be very comforting. It puts you into a family surrounding. I think you have been leaning into God's strength or else you could have walked away. He is there to watch over you and comfort you.
Yes, I know exactly what you are feeling. This house that seemed so full of noise and activity and seemed so small just a couple of months ago now is so quiet and far too big. I will probably move, but I am still too close to make the final decision to do so. Besides, I have to wait until we hit a certain point in probate anyway.
Yes, things get a little better almost daily. You just have to hang on. I always keep Psalms 27:4 in mind.
"Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord."
But as Walt said, even as things get better, little things take yu by surprise. You'll be chugging along having a pretyt OK day. Then you'll see something, hear something, smell something. Then off you go. Into a meltdown. And that's OK. It means your heart has not hardened. You still feel. You still care. You still love. Sp just ride it out. You will feel better on the back end after a good cry. At least I usually do.
I know make it through most days without a breakdown unless I am talking to someone and particular subjects come up. There is a certain poem and certain memories that always get me. I can't look at her favorite chair for long before I start crying that she is not there. But most days I am OK...until bedtime. I don't have her to check on and get settled in, the computers are shut down, the dog is settled, and everything just gets too quiet and my mind races. Sometimes I am jsut full of memories that make me simultaneously happy and sad. Other times I rail at God. Some nights I beg JJ to tell me why she had to go and to PLEASE come visit me in my dreams so I can see her just 1 more time. Some nights I just stare into the dark and cry.
But it's all OK. I'm still human. I still love. There's still hope. As long as I can still FEEL, there is always hope I will see her again. It's when our hearts harden and all feeling, caring, and hope is lost that WE become lost. I don't know you, but from what you've written I can't think that is a likely course for you.
So be strong and take heart. The Lord has not forsaken us even though it feels like it. We just have to wait. Even through all this, He is molding us and shaping us to continue to do His work. There are still things left for us to do. Why else were we left behind? Because we were forgotten? I can't believe that.
Thank you, Walt and Smedley, your words are a balm to my spirit. I've been having a couple of meltdowns. After a good cry,I do feel better. But now, the world has crept in, and so has reality. There are bills to pay,things to do, and I'm like, really? I'm not ready for this. Life is not suppose to just keep happening, though it does, which is a good thing because it makes me get up and moving.But I don't want to,Being with our daughter,makes me smile,she has a contagious laughter. I was worried that she would lose that beautiful spirit of joy.She is grieving and so is my son, so I try to be strong for them, and I encourage them to move forward.Our daughter dressed up today for Halloween, I encouraged her, because she loves Halloween just so she can dress up.:) Our son went to a Halloween party with his wife,that was planned month's ago.
Walt and Smedley,I'm sorry,I haven't asked how things are with you,guys. Walt how is your wife doing? How are you doing? Smedley,how are you holding up,I know that you are going through similar things like I am, because you made mention of some.I hope I can be of some encouragement to you both as you have been to me.
It is great that your daughter dressed for Halloween and that your son went to the party. That's the way thing continue and it puts them with friends. It sounds like you are handling all the responsibilities the way you should even though it is very difficult at times.
We had a little scare with Leslie on Friday. Her back hurt so she didn't go to cardio rehab. We had an appointment with the Oncologist and he reviewed the PET scan and said the cancer had gone to one of her ribs and that was causing the pain. He got on the phone with the radiologist and we went right over to his office. As it turns out we have to make a decision whether to have 10 radiation treatments on the rib or just let the medication take care of it and let the bone regenerate. It looks like we will wait till the next PET scan and then make the decision. The radiologist was fine with that and said that would be his choice. SO we are doing OK.
Smedley,
It does sound like things are gradually getting better with each day. That's all we can hope for.
Walt, when is Leslie's scan scheduled for? I hope you won't have to wait too long.I will be praying for the best results. Let us know what you've decided. We are here for you and Leslie.
Thanks for thinking of me and it sounds like both of you are coping as well as can be expected.
Alice, you do need to keep moving as normally as possible. Not only do you have to go on for yourself, but also your kids - grown or not - they still need Mom. I found great solace in bills and paper work and leglaities and such. It gave me something else to focus on. The time it bought me gave me a bit of a breather before having to deal with being so alone.
Walt, this crap can sneak up on you and it seems overwhelming to have to deal with it. There is no right or wrong answer when confronted with these things. All you can do is make the best decision for yourselves based on the info and statistics you can get from your docs. There are many times I look back and wonder if we did the right things, but I also know that, given what info we had and if we had to do it again with the saem info, I can't think of a ting we'd do differently. Even prolonging her life the way we did turned out to be a blessing. She had a couple more special days before the last downturn she otherwise would not have gotten and she did get to see her baby graduate college, get married, and get a good start on what promises to be a pretty good life with a good young man who she also loved. Not a bad trade.
So to both of you, I say hang on. You have loved, have been loved, and are loved and can live with that love now and well into what the future holds. Although it can bring you great pain, it can also be your greatest strength. Hold onto it and fight for it. Even with thepain it is worth it. I wish I had learned that lesson a long time ago. Maybe I would not have quite as many regrets today.
Smedley, I've had regrets too, I finally had to leave them at the foot of the cross,or they would have eaten me alive.For the longest time I was a very selfish person,and I took Scott for granted,not realizing the gift that God had given me.I wasted alot of years,but the end is what counted, I was where I needed to be,right by his side.He's always been the love of my life but sometimes he didn't believe it.We had many happy years,once I "grew up" God forgave me,Scott forgave me for being so selfish,the hard part was forgiving myself,and I finally did. I'm praying that you also can leave your regrets at the foot of the cross,there's peace there.
And here I is again. At least it is earlier than usual this time.:) I was out doing errands today, went to the post office,mailed off some bills. You were right Smedley,it helped to focus on something else for a while.I've been on the phone most all day getting things situated.I received a call from a friend who was worried about me, since I hadn;t been returning her calls.I told her last week that I would call her when I had time because I had alot to do this week and I needed to spend some "we" time with Jennie.. She again made the mistake of telling me what I should do.She said I should move forward,yes,I know that but give me time to grieve, let me do it all in my time not hers.I think she and I will be having a little chat soon.I'm resenting her pushy attitude. I understand that she cares but now she wants details about where I've gone, what I've been doing , and she's critiquing my decisions.Not a good thing to do to me, especially not right now.
It is difficult when someone, who is trying to help, comes across in a different way. Some people don't understand that they are being insensitive to the person they are trying to help. It is really ashame because the time you need a friend most is the time you want to push them away because of what they are saying. I hope it works out. It sounds like you are handling things in a way that makes you as comfortable as possible.
Smedley,
I hope I can handle things as well as you have when the time comes.
Leslie decided not to get the radiation right now. She had been doing more around the house and the pain is gone and it was "probably" a muscle strain. So we will wait a little. No PET scan is scheduled, but the Oncologists will schedule as needed. He has been doing a great job. Leslie went back to Cardio rehab yesterday and did great.
Having a bit of tough day today. It will be a week today that I walked Scott home.I'm trying not to have a melt down here as I am expecting my brother and his wife today.I just want to be left alone to grieve with Jennie,but it will be good for her to see them. All I can do is sit here and sigh.
After I lost my mother I had many tough days. I know a spouse is different than a parent, but when I was having a tough time I would talk to some one about the good things. It amazed me how good I felt after the talks. We wouldn't talk of any sad times, just happy times. I hope I can do the same when the time comes that I lose my spouse. Keep giving and and getting those hugs.
I did alot of talking about Scott yesterday,and today three of Scott's coworkers came to see how we were doing. I told them about Scott's and my love story, they talked about working with him. They had alot to say.When they came over I could see them looking at each other,I guess they didn't know how they would find me. They were all dressed in suits and when I opened the door they were all looking at me. I looked at them and said you all look so official,I think you're at the wrong house and smiled,that broke the ice and I saw a look of relief come over their faces.We talked about Scott, reminised and laughed.I, of course did alot of talking about Scott.It felt good to hear their stories and hear what an impact he made on their lives.That's what I'm hoping for when we get together to celebrate his life.
I'm glad that worked for you. To break the ice like you did is important. Most people don't know what to say or how to act if they aren't given a hint. Most of the time they are trying to be respectful and start off quietly. To be able to smile and hear how Scott was thought of by his coworkers is very helpful.
Smedley, Kathi, Karen my thoughts and prayers with you every day.
Leslie is doing well at cardio rehab. She definely is doing more execising there than she does at home. She has never been one to have a regimented exercise program. So I am trying to talk her into deciding which machine she likes best so we can get one. During the winter we don't get as much exercise as spring through fall. Hopefully she will pick one that she won't grow tired of quickly.
It would be great if she could decide on one,it would be nice to have something at home for her to work on. Are you planning on joining her on her workout? :D
I definely will join her on what ever she picks out. Right now I have a workout that takes about 15 minutes (I haven't been faithful to lately) that works most areas of the body. I have to back to that on a regular basis again. With everything that was going on I sort of lost interest. Now that Leslie is doing much better, I should get serious about it again. That way next April when boating season starts again, I won't be embarassed to take off my shirt. :-)
Walt, I will be thinking of you exercising while I'm eating my box full of chocolate doughnuts. (Just kidding) :) I think it's great that you will work out together, it'll help motivate you both.
I was thinking I needed to do something constructive. I'm at a loss right now on how to fill my time,maybe Jennie and I can start off slow with walking,maybe if we start a routine i won't be apt to just sit and think.No matter what I do I will be thinking of Scott, so getting Jennie out of the house might help us both.
Kathi
Perhaps you can gently convince Dennis to pick a single project that the two of you can work on together. Start off small and try complete a single project. This might send him in the right direction. A friend and his wife both have some medical problems. He has some one come in to clean once a week because it is difficult for her to do. When it comes to him, he is going to go out and buy the best snow blower he can get and even if it is difficult for him to do, he will clear the snow instead of getting someone else to do it. He won't even ask his son to do it. His son does a lot for him now, but that is one thing he insists on doing. There have been times this summer that I let the grass go uncut, but if Leslie wanted to sit out back and watch the boats go past the house I would do eveything I could to have a comfortable spot for her.
Alice
Have you considered using an outdoor chaise lounge in the house for Scott to sit in. The first night Leslie came home from the heart surgery she couldn't stay in bed very long. She started in bed for a while, I moved her out to the sofa, then to a recliner, then to an office chair and about 2 o'clock in the morning I went out to the shed and brought in some lawn furniture. We got through the night and each night got better. The thing I didn't think of, like you mentioned, was an air matress or and inflatable bed. Comfort is important.
Thanks guys for your input.
Kathi,I have the same thing with Scott. We have alot of unfinished projects and tools laying around.I too,don't want to take this away from him, so I corralled the tools,I did leave them where he could see them.Like Walt mentioned, pick one thing you can do together.We had been refinishing a bookcase that he had made for me. Right now he can't handle the tools but we both have been sanding the bookcase by hand.with sandpaper on a block.I had mentioned in an earlier post that I didn't want to do anything alone, that we use to do together. It may take a little time to get the projects done but the time spent with them is well worth it :)
Thank you Kathi,for telling me about your experience with your family.Scott is like Dennis,he wouldn't want us to miss an event either.
Walt, thank you for the idea of the chaise lounge,Scott has gotten a bit uncomfortable in the recliner. I'm going to try the chaise lounge during the day for him.
Hi. Here are my plans. I decided we are still going to move.I'm going to continue packing, and downsize on alot of things. We had downsized when we moved here, but I will downsize even more.Too many things going on around here,too much drama,and I really want Scott to be able to rest. I need a peaceful place for all of us.
Here's when I find out how organized I can get. I'm not use to doing things without Scott and I discussing things first.Something I need to get use to.
Alice
Alice,
Moving is a major task. I hope you can get some help from family and friends. I applaud you for making such a hard decision.
All of you are in my prayers.
Walt
Thank you,Walt.
I know our son,will be helping us move and his two brother laws offered to help. I have two friends that have offered to help,too. So hopefully I have it covered. :) I figure if I go room by room,pack and label what we don't immediately need, I can put them in the garage for now and be half way ready to move when we find another place. I used to love it here,living in a back house, a yard of our own,but it's time to move on.We were only going to stay here until Scott retired and we'd move to Idaho but plans changed. Now I will look someplace nearby,where it's easy for family to get to.
Alice
Alice, good luck in your search. Leslie's sister moved fairly recently and she wasn't too involved (because of illness) in the search for a house. Her husband who never had a good record of buying sensibly went looking for a house. This is a man who years ago bought a Volkswagen Thing and a Fiat 850 (two seater sports car) when it was a family of five. Luckily his sister helped him look and she was talking to Leslie the whole time to find out there needs and unbelievably he found a place that actually suited them very well. So maybe with age comes (some) widom. They moved into an over 55 community and it seems to be what was good for both of them.
Walt
Hi Walt, I'm sure glad he had some help finding a place. Funny how you mentioned an over 55 community. I had been looking into those too. Our son and I had been talking about it.He has been getting information about different ones for us and there are alot close by to him and the family. One community have everything but a supermarket! :D I found that interesting. Way back when, when my Dad passed away we had looked into one for my mom,but my mom didn't like it,she ended up staying in her own home with my brother. She said she liked sitting outside watching the grass grow. :) I guess they aren't for everyone. I have to consider the financial aspect of it all,and do some budgeting and since hospital have come in now and other things have come up,I will need to see what is possible to do.But like in all things,I will pray about it.
I am looking at things that I'm packing and realizing there's quite a bit I can get rid now. I've never liked change but then it is one thing that is guaranteed in life. So I just need to go with it and go day by day,step by step.
Alice
My mom would never move out of her house. She was bound and determined never to leave. Mom and I live in New Jersey, my kids live in California and my brother, his five kids and a whole slew of others live in Georgia. I tried to convince her to move to Georgia. She said that wouldn't happen. Well she went down ther for a visit and got sick, but did okay. Ehen she was feeling good she was at basketball games, gymnastic events, cheerleading and many other things. She loved being with all the kids grand kids etc. She passed away while she was down ther after two years. I would jump on the train for a 16 hour ride, visit for 14 hours jump back on the train and come home. She missed New Jersey but so much enjoyed watching the little ones grow up. It made me a realist. If necessary, I'll sell my house which I bought because it is on the water, I keep my boat at the back door and love the wildlife that swims by, walks by and flies by, and move to someplace more managable. I'll be 70 shortly and I just can't do evey thing that I used to do. So again good luck in the hunt for a new place to live.
Walt
Thanks to both of you for your advice regarding unfinished projects. I think I've been so overwhelmed by the unfinished mess that I'm unable to tackle any of it. I'm pretty sure he'll like the idea of picking a single one and doing it together (when I'm not working). And we will probably enjoy the time together. We stopped doing that because he sleeps until 10:30 or noon (because nights are difficult) and then requires a couple of hours and pain medications to be able to move around. By the time he's ready to work, I'm already done in for the day. Just typing the words makes me want to cry or yell and crawl back into my safe place where I'm immobilized. But I'll be brave and give this another try.
On a brighter note, we attended a family event yesterday - all of us! Dennis really enjoyed himself and the family was thrilled to see him. We left early as he wasn't feeling well but it was a great few hours. Quality of life, indeed.
Alice, good luck with your move. It's a lot to take on but it will be worth it if it makes things simpler.
Kathi
Kathi,
I'm so glad that Dennis was able to go to a family event. It usually brightens everybody's heart when that happens. By doing that the others might take more of an interest in his daily life. Which might ease your burden a little.
Schedules can make working together difficult to impossible. Perhaps you can have Dennis do some work on a small project by himself and when you can the two of you can finish it. Leslie is doing more around the house, I just came home from shopping and she was running the vacuum. This is one of the things (she never liked) that bothered her back. When I got home I asked if there were any places she was having trouble getting to. I helped a little and finished up. She was very pleased with the results and thanked me for helping. She got a lot of satisfaction out of doing that and I only had to help a little bit.
Alice,
As you pack those boxes you will probably have a LOT of memories in the process. Stop and enjoy some of those memories and know that there will be more in the new place.
Walt
Hi everyone. Good to hear everyone is handling there "stuff" pretty well, all things considered.
Sorry I've not been around. Lots of stuff to do.
But I saw this conversation and thought I'd jump in. We have lived in this house now for well over half of our life together. LOTS of memories here. Beloved pets came and went. Our youngest was just starting middle school when we got here. SHe has since graduated from Texas A&M (with honors) and gotten married and gotten a good job she loves. My injury and recovery. My wife's illness and passing. And I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life. Ever. THIS is home to me.
BUT
I am coming up on 60 and I have problems walking and doing stuff due to an injury to both feet in 2008. Also, since the petts have all died, the kids are all gone, and now my wife is gone. This house that seemd so little before si now huge and empty. Plus it takes a lot to keep it and the yard in even decent shape. And now every time I do stuff I just don't see th epoint and it makes me incredibly sad and lonely. I think it is time to make a new start. Take the good memories with me and try to leave as many bad ones as I can in this house as I walk away from it.
There is a new sundivision nearby that takes care of all the landscaping and the properties are not a lot smaller, but just enough smaller to not be rattling aeoun din them. And they are somewhat isolated so they will be nice and quiet and have views of a wooded area along a creek as well as an oak grove behind the church where my wife worked. Lots of open sky, pretty trees, and birds flying overhead. It will be months before I have to make the final decision whether to build there, but right now it sounds like a good way to stat rebuilding from whatever I can salvage out of the rest of my life.
Blessing to you all.
Hi Smedley,
The new subdivision sounds wonderful.I wish you well in your new start.You will make new memories to add to the old ones. As you start rebuilding your life,I wish you happiness and joy in your future. Yes,it's hard to see it now,but one day you will smile again, maybe the smile will be bittersweet,but it will come.
I will soon be on the same journey, you are now on. I took Scott to the hospital yesterday. I had to come home this morning and bring Jennie,make sure Jennie had something to eat. We will return again to the hospital early in the morning and stay. It is just a matter of time before God takes Scott home and I will be there to walk him home. His cancer came back with a vengence and he also has pnuemonia.All this in a matter of two weeks. I,like you,will start to rebulid my life. And I too will smile one day,be it bittersweet. I wish you many blessings in your life.
Alice
Hi Alice. I'm sorry to hear of Scott's bad turn. My JJ's cancer behaved the same way but she was at least blessed that the cancer in here cranial fluid made her passing easier and not the long, drawn out, and agonizing (for all of us) affair we all feared. I hope and pray that when Scott's time comes, it is just as easy and peaceful for him and that you can take comfort in the knowing that although he is not with you in body, his spirit will always be with you and free of the pain and suffering you all endured. I don't know what faith, if any, you practice, but even though I am still very angry at God, I know that some day I will see my dear JJ again and we will both be happier and healthier together then and forever after than we have been in any of the several years past. I just have to endure this interval without her until then. I hope there is something in there for you to lean on as well.
SB
Hi Smedley,
That sounds like a great place. It means a lot as we age and can't be as mobile as we used to be. Having someone do the lawn and landscaping means you can still take pride in the way your house looks even though you don't have to do the bulk of the work.
Alice,
I'm sorry that the cancer has come back. My prayers are with you and I hope there is not much discomfort for Scott.
Walt
Alice, I'm so sorry to here that Scott is in the hospital and you're faced with this. Smedley, we haven't met but you have my condolences. Of course, I fear my husband's passing more than anything and it's comforting to hear that you have survived that fate and that you are starting to move to new things. Bless you both.
We had a college student come to interview Dennis the other night. She's doing a thesis on the chronically ill and how they cope. My daughter, Emily, and I were also part of the interview. It went on for 3 1/2 hours and was extremely enlightening and heartening. We don't talk about his illness that much. We just attend to today's stuff and plan a little for tomorrow. But we had to lay out the process from the beginning 15 years ago. The first year was hell and she asked a lot of questions about that adjustment process. It made all 3 of us realize how much has changed and how well we've adjusted. We still have a happy life. Emily cried a couple of times when he talked about sometimes wanting to die - just to end the pain. We really haven't shared that with her before.She's 21 now but we're still very protective. She was in kindergarten when he became ill. But, all in all, it was a wonderful experience. It helped me see the broader picture of the journey we're on.
Dennis is suffering this week (nothing new, it just happens) but we are all feeling closer and really content. This experience was so cathartic. I have to recommend it to anyone living iwith chronic illness. Find a stranger and tell them your story. Life is a strange and magical thing and so are families.
In a way, this forum serves the same purpose and I'm grateful to all of you for being here.
Kathi
Hi Kathi. Thanks and take heart in that there is nothing to fear. Sure, there will be painful times and you may have financial or legal issues. I have no idea what your situation is. But you will get through it. You've made it this far so we all know you have the strength and the character. You just have to go a little farther and hang on until things start to get better. Take it all as you have. One day, one hour, one moment at a time. God bless.
Kathi
The interview sounds like it really opened all of you up. I think what happens is when people ask how your spouse is doing , they receive a quick overview of what is happening. With the interview you look into the past and into your heart and explain the whole process. It sounds like it was helpful to all of you.
Alice
My prayers are with you.
Smedley
I hope things are getting easier everyday for you.
Karen
I hope you are alright and my prayers and thoughts are pulling for you.
Walt, thanks so much for all your positive messages. It helps.
I tell myself that Dennis is the same level of sick that he's always been and that this will go on the way it is for the next 15 or 20 years. But the interview did make me look at how much he has deteriorated in the past 15 years, and especially within the past 2 years. He's now down to 128 pounds (he started at 180 pounds). He's lost the weight gradually but in the last year he lost 20 pounds. I don't know what to make of this. It worries me. What if he loses 20 pounds next year, too? And his neuropathy has reached the point where he doesn't know where his feet are any more and he falls a lot. He also drops things and burns or cuts his hands pretty regularly. I haven't talked to his nephrologist for a couple of years now. Dennis tells me that she says he should eat anything he wants and lots of it. He eats like a teenager - tons of calories but the weight continues to fall. Of course, when he's really sick and in bed, he eats nothing. The doc explained once that because of his lack of kidney function, he does not absorb nutrition like he should. So, should I be worried (more than usual)? Writing this down has made me realize that I need to talk to his doctor and ask her the hard questions. But I don't wanna..... (whine). Perhaps I don't want to know the answers.
Kathi
Kathi,
So often it is difficult to ask the questions because you don't know if the answers will give you hope or be what you don't want to hear. I would say with the food issue give him what he wants. So many times Leslie couldn't decide what to eat so she ate very little. She said nothing tasted right. We ate a lot of pizza.
My thoughts are will all of you.
Walt
Hi everyone,
Thank you all for your words prayers and kindness. We are still in the hospital. Scott was taken off of life support and we have started hospice, the people here are wonderful. Every moment I have with him is precious. We,I,our son,and daughter are in a private room with him, which is run by the hospice program.
Smedley,I understand your anger at God. He could have stopped it,but chose not to. We don't understand His ways. I'm a Christian and I do lean on my faith, but I don't push it on anyone. :) it's who I am. You have given much to me to lean on, just having you come back after losing your JJ has been helpful to me. You mentioned the emptiness in your home so I was prepared when it happened to me, I realized he wasn't coming back home when I posted last time. When you mentioned a new place, it gave me hope that my decision to move was the right one,but it will only be the two of us instead of three. I have found that God doesn't always stop what happens but He sends the right people to you when you need them, for that I thank you for coming back.
Walt, when I was going through my depression you helped me,thank you. Right now I am on an even keel, surprising with that's going on.
Thank you,Kathi. talking does help doesn't it. I'm glad talking to a stranger and telling her about your lives,helped you so much,I'm glad that you were able to help her with her thesis. Having found this board has been so helpful for me as well. Since I have been here at the hospital, I have been telling everyone about my life with Scott and the kind of person that he is.I want them to see him through my eyes,not through theirs. They see a frail old person, I still see the robust man from a year and a half ago. :) and yes,I show his picture :D Scott has lost alot of weight this year, I also see that too, and I worried because he was eating but still losing weight. I'm glad you are going to check with your husband's Dr. and find out why.
I will be back, don't know when,but I know it will be soon. Thanks all.
Alice
Alice, You ARE surprisingly serene. That must come from your faith. May it sustain you through whatever comes next. It's so great that the family can be there all the time. Hospice is a wonderful thing. I hope Scott's journey is peaceful and pain free. He knows he's loved.
Here I sit at 2:15 am, alone. Jennie is in bed.
Kathi, thank you.Your words have helped me.Last night I walked the Love of My Life. home. Scott passed away last night. The four of us were together one last time as a family and Scott,went gently and peacefully. I will miss him so much. Right now I'm not feeling alot,but I know I will soon, and when I do,I will lean on God. I will come back soon. Kathi, I hope I can be of help to you.
Alice
I'm only a couple about 8 weeks farther down the road than you. I understand how you feel at this moment and my heart aches for you and what you are going through. I can't offer any more wsdon than anyone else. Only know that even only a couple months out I am already satarting to see a few rays of sunlight poking through the dark clouds that have hung over me. I hope, pray, and believe it will be the same for you. Even as things get better, there will be rough spots. It's OK. Just let those moments play out. Some will be brief and miled, others long and difficult. But you will make it through. In the darkest times always remember that there are others out here who are thinking of you and praying that you will find peace and comfort in God's arms and in the knowledge that Scott is no longer suffering.
Your brother in Christ,
SB
Alice,
I am sorry for your loss. My prayers are that the lord will lead you where you have to go. It is wonderful that you could all be together and that the passing was gentle and peaceful.
Walt
Thank you Walt, For your prayers. I will follow God's leading,it's hard to know what the next step is. Once I made my commitment to God,I said lead and I will follow. My first steps are unsteady but it is one step foward.
Alice
Alice, I'm sorry about Scott's passing. Walt said it well. You got to be there with him through the entire journey. I'm glad for that. Take care of yourself now. I hope you'll be as good at that as you were at taking care of Scott. Bless you. When you feel up to it, I look forward to your return.
Kathi
Hi Kathi,
Taking cake of myself is something I need to relearn,maybe as I take care of Jennie, it will make it easier to figure out how to do that again.
Alice.
Thank you,Smedley,
Your words bring comfort to me. Thank you for your prayers. I'm glad you see a few rays of sunshine through your dark clouds. To know that Scott is no longer suffering eases my aching heart. Knowing God will countinue to walk with me through the rest of this journey,helps me feel that I can get through this.
Your sister in Christ
Alice
Again,here I sit, and I'm feeling so alone. I went to make arrangements and afterwards,Jennie and I decided to go out for lunch,neither of us wanted to return home. Last night was a tough night,I didn't want to go to sleep,I guess I dozed off because I woke up startled and thought,I need to check on Scott,then reality set it. All I can do is sit here and sigh. This too shall pass.
Alice
Alice,
I wanted to write something, but I honestly don't know what to write. I sit here at the keyboard drained because I'm at a loss for anything encouraging to write. I just hope and pray that you will get through this stage quickly. Even that doesn't sound right.
Walt
Walt,
The words are exactly right. Thank you.You did say something encouraging. You said you hope and pray that I get through this stage quickly. You,acknowledged my grief. Thank you, that's as good as a hug, which I was needing now. (i hope that didn't sound too forward)
I'm picking out the music and it hit me between the eyes, it blindsided me, I didn't see it coming.
I spoke to my sister yesterday,she asked me if I would be willing to move in with her daughter. The idea is very appealing,,because we would be moving closer to my sister.I'm finding that I don't really want to be here, if I could have walked away from here yesterday, I would have,but that wouldn't be very rational. :) And walking away or running away is not what I do when things get tough. I think I haven't been leaning into God's strength and rest. Rest, meaning "just being" for a moment.
Thank you,Walt for bearing with me here,I appreciate it.
Alice.
Alice,
I do a lot of little (sometimes big) jobs for neighbors, family and friends and all I've ever wanted in return was a hug. That means more than a thank you (those are nice too) and you saying "that's as good as a hug" meant the world to me.
There may be many (seemingly) small things that will stop you in your tracks. Hopefully they will be because you are remembering something that brought you great pleasure.
The idea of moving in with your niece can be very comforting. It puts you into a family surrounding. I think you have been leaning into God's strength or else you could have walked away. He is there to watch over you and comfort you.
Walt
Yes, I know exactly what you are feeling. This house that seemed so full of noise and activity and seemed so small just a couple of months ago now is so quiet and far too big. I will probably move, but I am still too close to make the final decision to do so. Besides, I have to wait until we hit a certain point in probate anyway.
Yes, things get a little better almost daily. You just have to hang on. I always keep Psalms 27:4 in mind.
"Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord."
But as Walt said, even as things get better, little things take yu by surprise. You'll be chugging along having a pretyt OK day. Then you'll see something, hear something, smell something. Then off you go. Into a meltdown. And that's OK. It means your heart has not hardened. You still feel. You still care. You still love. Sp just ride it out. You will feel better on the back end after a good cry. At least I usually do.
I know make it through most days without a breakdown unless I am talking to someone and particular subjects come up. There is a certain poem and certain memories that always get me. I can't look at her favorite chair for long before I start crying that she is not there. But most days I am OK...until bedtime. I don't have her to check on and get settled in, the computers are shut down, the dog is settled, and everything just gets too quiet and my mind races. Sometimes I am jsut full of memories that make me simultaneously happy and sad. Other times I rail at God. Some nights I beg JJ to tell me why she had to go and to PLEASE come visit me in my dreams so I can see her just 1 more time. Some nights I just stare into the dark and cry.
But it's all OK. I'm still human. I still love. There's still hope. As long as I can still FEEL, there is always hope I will see her again. It's when our hearts harden and all feeling, caring, and hope is lost that WE become lost. I don't know you, but from what you've written I can't think that is a likely course for you.
So be strong and take heart. The Lord has not forsaken us even though it feels like it. We just have to wait. Even through all this, He is molding us and shaping us to continue to do His work. There are still things left for us to do. Why else were we left behind? Because we were forgotten? I can't believe that.
Be patient, be human, be well, and God bless.
SB
Thank you, Walt and Smedley, your words are a balm to my spirit. I've been having a couple of meltdowns. After a good cry,I do feel better. But now, the world has crept in, and so has reality. There are bills to pay,things to do, and I'm like, really? I'm not ready for this. Life is not suppose to just keep happening, though it does, which is a good thing because it makes me get up and moving.But I don't want to,Being with our daughter,makes me smile,she has a contagious laughter. I was worried that she would lose that beautiful spirit of joy.She is grieving and so is my son, so I try to be strong for them, and I encourage them to move forward.Our daughter dressed up today for Halloween, I encouraged her, because she loves Halloween just so she can dress up.:) Our son went to a Halloween party with his wife,that was planned month's ago.
Walt and Smedley,I'm sorry,I haven't asked how things are with you,guys. Walt how is your wife doing? How are you doing? Smedley,how are you holding up,I know that you are going through similar things like I am, because you made mention of some.I hope I can be of some encouragement to you both as you have been to me.
Alice
Alice,
It is great that your daughter dressed for Halloween and that your son went to the party. That's the way thing continue and it puts them with friends. It sounds like you are handling all the responsibilities the way you should even though it is very difficult at times.
We had a little scare with Leslie on Friday. Her back hurt so she didn't go to cardio rehab. We had an appointment with the Oncologist and he reviewed the PET scan and said the cancer had gone to one of her ribs and that was causing the pain. He got on the phone with the radiologist and we went right over to his office. As it turns out we have to make a decision whether to have 10 radiation treatments on the rib or just let the medication take care of it and let the bone regenerate. It looks like we will wait till the next PET scan and then make the decision. The radiologist was fine with that and said that would be his choice. SO we are doing OK.
Smedley,
It does sound like things are gradually getting better with each day. That's all we can hope for.
Walt
Walt, when is Leslie's scan scheduled for? I hope you won't have to wait too long.I will be praying for the best results. Let us know what you've decided. We are here for you and Leslie.
Alice
Thanks for thinking of me and it sounds like both of you are coping as well as can be expected.
Alice, you do need to keep moving as normally as possible. Not only do you have to go on for yourself, but also your kids - grown or not - they still need Mom. I found great solace in bills and paper work and leglaities and such. It gave me something else to focus on. The time it bought me gave me a bit of a breather before having to deal with being so alone.
Walt, this crap can sneak up on you and it seems overwhelming to have to deal with it. There is no right or wrong answer when confronted with these things. All you can do is make the best decision for yourselves based on the info and statistics you can get from your docs. There are many times I look back and wonder if we did the right things, but I also know that, given what info we had and if we had to do it again with the saem info, I can't think of a ting we'd do differently. Even prolonging her life the way we did turned out to be a blessing. She had a couple more special days before the last downturn she otherwise would not have gotten and she did get to see her baby graduate college, get married, and get a good start on what promises to be a pretty good life with a good young man who she also loved. Not a bad trade.
So to both of you, I say hang on. You have loved, have been loved, and are loved and can live with that love now and well into what the future holds. Although it can bring you great pain, it can also be your greatest strength. Hold onto it and fight for it. Even with thepain it is worth it. I wish I had learned that lesson a long time ago. Maybe I would not have quite as many regrets today.
God's love to you and yours,
SB
Smedley, I've had regrets too, I finally had to leave them at the foot of the cross,or they would have eaten me alive.For the longest time I was a very selfish person,and I took Scott for granted,not realizing the gift that God had given me.I wasted alot of years,but the end is what counted, I was where I needed to be,right by his side.He's always been the love of my life but sometimes he didn't believe it.We had many happy years,once I "grew up" God forgave me,Scott forgave me for being so selfish,the hard part was forgiving myself,and I finally did. I'm praying that you also can leave your regrets at the foot of the cross,there's peace there.
Alice
Hi all,
And here I is again. At least it is earlier than usual this time.:) I was out doing errands today, went to the post office,mailed off some bills. You were right Smedley,it helped to focus on something else for a while.I've been on the phone most all day getting things situated.I received a call from a friend who was worried about me, since I hadn;t been returning her calls.I told her last week that I would call her when I had time because I had alot to do this week and I needed to spend some "we" time with Jennie.. She again made the mistake of telling me what I should do.She said I should move forward,yes,I know that but give me time to grieve, let me do it all in my time not hers.I think she and I will be having a little chat soon.I'm resenting her pushy attitude. I understand that she cares but now she wants details about where I've gone, what I've been doing , and she's critiquing my decisions.Not a good thing to do to me, especially not right now.
Alice.
Alice,
It is difficult when someone, who is trying to help, comes across in a different way. Some people don't understand that they are being insensitive to the person they are trying to help. It is really ashame because the time you need a friend most is the time you want to push them away because of what they are saying. I hope it works out. It sounds like you are handling things in a way that makes you as comfortable as possible.
Smedley,
I hope I can handle things as well as you have when the time comes.
Leslie decided not to get the radiation right now. She had been doing more around the house and the pain is gone and it was "probably" a muscle strain. So we will wait a little. No PET scan is scheduled, but the Oncologists will schedule as needed. He has been doing a great job. Leslie went back to Cardio rehab yesterday and did great.
Walt12
Thanks Walt. I'm glad Leslie is doing so well. Enjoy the good days, you two seem to be having many. :)
Alice
Having a bit of tough day today. It will be a week today that I walked Scott home.I'm trying not to have a melt down here as I am expecting my brother and his wife today.I just want to be left alone to grieve with Jennie,but it will be good for her to see them. All I can do is sit here and sigh.
Alice
Alice,
After I lost my mother I had many tough days. I know a spouse is different than a parent, but when I was having a tough time I would talk to some one about the good things. It amazed me how good I felt after the talks. We wouldn't talk of any sad times, just happy times. I hope I can do the same when the time comes that I lose my spouse. Keep giving and and getting those hugs.
Walt
Thanks Walt,
I did alot of talking about Scott yesterday,and today three of Scott's coworkers came to see how we were doing. I told them about Scott's and my love story, they talked about working with him. They had alot to say.When they came over I could see them looking at each other,I guess they didn't know how they would find me. They were all dressed in suits and when I opened the door they were all looking at me. I looked at them and said you all look so official,I think you're at the wrong house and smiled,that broke the ice and I saw a look of relief come over their faces.We talked about Scott, reminised and laughed.I, of course did alot of talking about Scott.It felt good to hear their stories and hear what an impact he made on their lives.That's what I'm hoping for when we get together to celebrate his life.
Alice
Alice,
I'm glad that worked for you. To break the ice like you did is important. Most people don't know what to say or how to act if they aren't given a hint. Most of the time they are trying to be respectful and start off quietly. To be able to smile and hear how Scott was thought of by his coworkers is very helpful.
Smedley, Kathi, Karen my thoughts and prayers with you every day.
Walt
Hi Walt, How are things going with you? Hope all is well with you and Leslie.You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm hanging in there, it was a rough day but God helped our son,and I through it
Smedley,Karen..Kathi,you're in my prayers.
Alice
Hi Alice,
Leslie is doing well at cardio rehab. She definely is doing more execising there than she does at home. She has never been one to have a regimented exercise program. So I am trying to talk her into deciding which machine she likes best so we can get one. During the winter we don't get as much exercise as spring through fall. Hopefully she will pick one that she won't grow tired of quickly.
Keep leaning on God.
Walt
Hi Walt,
It would be great if she could decide on one,it would be nice to have something at home for her to work on. Are you planning on joining her on her workout? :D
Alice
Alice,
I definely will join her on what ever she picks out. Right now I have a workout that takes about 15 minutes (I haven't been faithful to lately) that works most areas of the body. I have to back to that on a regular basis again. With everything that was going on I sort of lost interest. Now that Leslie is doing much better, I should get serious about it again. That way next April when boating season starts again, I won't be embarassed to take off my shirt. :-)
Walt
Walt, I will be thinking of you exercising while I'm eating my box full of chocolate doughnuts. (Just kidding) :) I think it's great that you will work out together, it'll help motivate you both.
I was thinking I needed to do something constructive. I'm at a loss right now on how to fill my time,maybe Jennie and I can start off slow with walking,maybe if we start a routine i won't be apt to just sit and think.No matter what I do I will be thinking of Scott, so getting Jennie out of the house might help us both.
Alice