I could use some help | Caregiver Action Network

I could use some help

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I could use some help

Sorry this is going to be long but I really need some help. My husband has been living with his parents to help take care of them. Our daughters and I stay over there on the weekends because there is not enough room over there for us all. His dad has had problems with memory and his legs are very swollen and he says he can't feel them. My husbands mom is a diabetic and runs reactions frequently. My husbands father has fallen several times but has not really gotten hurt. We had to call the ambilance for him once and after two days he left the hospital against the doctors advice. He has severe paranoia and thinks that the doctors are trying to kill him. while in the hospital he got an IV and he thinks they poisoned him. He has started getting his memories mixed up he thinks that even his family members are out to get him and even that they tried to sue him or kill him in the past. My husband takes the brunt of it but so does his mom. His dad wakes up his mom 2-3 or more times a night to help him in the bathroom or to help him get something to drink or eat. He now wants to drive but can't hardly walk. We have talked to some of the family and no one thinks anything is wrong. But he has started to get mildly physically violent with his wife and very verbal abusive. We can't take care of him anymore and would like to know how to get him into an assisted living when he doesn't want to and my husbands mother doesn't think it is right either because they want to die at home. what do we do before someone gets hurt either by a fall or my father in law hurting someone else or himself. Please help if you know because he won't go to the doctor and so I don't know what to do. Thank you


Well, for starters, I'd suggest you get him into see a psychologist, not a doctor. The psychologist might be able to develop methods of working with him that are more beneficial to his care and decrease the likelihood of injury. On the other end you might also look into what he's being fed. You might be able to decrease the physical aggression with changes in diet. So a visit to a nutritionist might also be in order. Also look at his meds and any drug interactions or side effects, so give the pharmacist a call if you get a chance. Other than that, you might look up info on how to mitigate harm to the people providing care around him. If he gets violent the important thing is to back off and give him space. And for fall risk . . . You might have to renovate the home to account for the risk of falling. If it does come down to a nursing home or similar facility, I recommend picking up a copy of Elder Care Catastrophe since it gives some good advice on both choosing a nursing home and how to work with staff in such facilities. Though, I doubt a nursing home will be appropriate considering his behaviors. He'll probably be more likely to either hurt someone there or ultimately be on the receiving end of abuse/neglect (or end up indirectly causing it for others due to the time issues). I think in home care, with some paid help during the worst of it, might be your best bet towards appropriate care. 

Well for starters we think

Well for starters we think that you should give him space and I think that the nurse which is helping him to get better should not tell you father in law that hes a nurse and is trying to help him but tell him that hes there to become his friends through this he could win his trust and slowly he could treat him make his memory come back and the falling part so I think its not you father in law fault because if he falls somewhere so he wouldnt remember anything that how much he got hurt through that so you should be the one looking after him that where is he going and what is he doing and the violent part he is only doing to protect him self so my suggestion would be to give him space. fateh.pk