Three years ago, my husband, 50 at that time, incidentally, found out that he had stage IV Kidney Cancer. The cure was to take the kidney. Thankfully, we caught it in time. The only treatment was taking the kidney. It was only marked stage IV, due to the size. The disease had not traveled anywhere else. We have been going to the doctor twice a year for check ups. Two more years and he will be considered cancer free. We had met, 15 years after he had been smoke free. So, I didn't know him as a smoker. Last May, we were on vacation with some friends. The fellas decided that they were going to relax and have a cigar. I am sure, he saw the fear in my eyes and he said, "Don't worry, this is just a special occasion." Well, this past December, he bought a bunch of cigars, through a private account, to keep it from me. He also hid the cigars from me. A friend let it slip that each time they go fishing, cigars are a regular part of the time together. 14 years ago, I married a NON-smoker. When I confronted my husband with this he states that I am a control freak! He only hid it from me because he didn't want to rub it in my face. He said he will stop when all that he bought were gone (which is about 40). Then when confronted with that statement, he said, "Fine, I will give them away." I am not sure I believe him, and I don't know how to reconcile this, in my mind. I cannot imagine anyone, laying on their death bed, wishing for one more cigar. I don't feel I should cave in about this issue. I also don't feel that I am a control freak. He comes and goes and he pleases, doesn't discuss purchases he makes or even the amount of money he spends on his activities. Somehow, I am made to feel like a control freak. The next place kidney cancer travels is to the lungs. I am baffled beyond belief. I am even more hurt over him calling me a control freak. I am not sure where controlling and concern blur. I feel helpless.
Tracy, you should feel good that you are fighting for your family. If the label he gave you is not true, let it go. Tell him he should be worrying when you don't nag. let him think about that.... You said a lot in your post. I would recommend that you talk to a counselor of some sort if you can, you do have control over yourself. You can't control others.
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