What I truly want to say:
Stop asking “Do you want me to stay with grandpa?” Because truthfully if you wanted to you would do it. You don’t want to do it and that is ok. Trust me I get it, but stop acting as if it is all hunky dory for me either. I am hot, uncomfortable, and stuck in this hospital for 16+ hours a day with someone I can’t understand and love and frustrated that I can’t help. I really don’t think you understand my perspective and trust me no one thinks I am more selfish than myself but here it is. I feel as if I am the only one who’s world got turned upside down. I dropped everything to be here. And trust me I love my grandpa and I honestly don’t mind having to do it, but it feels like I am the only one. Everyone got to go home. Meanwhile I have left my job, my home, my independence, and my animals.
I cry not because I worry for grandpa. He is going to be fine. No matter what he will be cared for. What makes me cry is how I feel my life is being put on indefinite pause at 23. I am scared that all of it is going to be put on me because it has only been 11 days and I feel abandoned. You get to go to work, go have lunch, see your dogs, go out to the store, go home and sleep on a bed with a fan and watch whatever you want. I know these things seem trivial but going from all of that to essentially nothing really sucks and your lack of compassion at what I am doing hurts even more. I am grateful for the breaks you give me but damn it is not enough. I know this is going to be hard. Trust me I am the last one who needs that reminder and I know you can’t do it alone, hence why I am here and moving back, but damn it neither can I. I am angry we don’t have more help, and coming to that realization makes me grieve what I didn’t even know I would miss.
I know you are working which is why I don’t want to have you come sleep with him. You have sacrificed a lot for your dad, my grandpa already. I know that. It’s selfish I know, but that is how I feel. And you will never read this because I can never tell you how I really feel. You would flip out call me a selfish bitch and tell me to just leave like you always do. So I keep my mouth closed, cry, and slowly shatter on the inside from the world placed on my back once again.