Thinking about leaving wife | Caregiver Action Network

Thinking about leaving wife

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Thinking about leaving wife

Hi. I'll try to keep this brief because I know everyone is dealing with the same. My wife and I work really well together but chronic pain has become a huge issue. We've been together 13 years. Year 1-3 was her neck. Year 3-7 was her back. Year 7-12 was her shoulder. Year 12-13 it's her lower lumbar. 

We've been through 15 surgeries together, a non-stop hunt for pain medications, and constant failed surgeries. We were in a car accident an we were both injured. She started taking my pain meds too because she "needed them more than i did". After a procedure I finally had enough and took all of our pain pills because she had taken mine AGAIN when I needed them. She attacked me as I was walking out the door, grabbed on the back of my shirt and tried to get the pills back. She called the police. I kept my mouth shut because I was afraid she was going to go to jail for assault. Meanwhile, she was crying about how she needs her pills and i took them from her. She of course didn't say that I was taking them becuse she had been consistently taken both mine and hers and running out early every month. They realized the facts didnt add up to domestic violence so they charged me with "Cohocion" and then "simple larceny". I fell on my sword to protect her and her pain management instead of telling the truth that this has been an ongoing problem for months.

It's hard to tell where the pain ends and the addiction begins but the doctors have her on over double the DEA / FDA approved dose. They have to write a letter to the DEA explaining why they prescribe her so much. So she has legitiment pain. However, our quality of life is horrible and this was just the tipping point. 

She bailed me out, cried and cried, apologized. TAhe one thing that got me was something the officer said on the body cam footage "Ma'am, he has no right to put his hands on you". This was devastating to me because All i did was ball up as I was being kicked, clawed, attacked, in an attempt from walking AWAY from the situation. I've NEVER laid a hand on her but she's often hit me because I'm bigger and "I can take it'. IF i ever hit her she would be in the hospital.

All that being said. When we work together we work well but we don't have any unity. She claims to can't sit down for an hour and she always has to be in bed. For 13 years it's been "one more procedure", "one more surgery", one more something. Now it's this "car accident". 

I was 29 when we met. I thought it was just  phase she would grow out of. I'm 42 now. I look back on life and think of how much has been wasted. The good to bad ratio is about 5% good to 95% bad. The 5% good is WONDERFUL. 

I'm lonely, depressed, and suicidal. I've found myself popping (prescribed) xanax and percocet. I've NEVER taken medication in my life but I figured if i could just sedate myself i can deal with it better. 

Tonight we were hanging out with some friends and she started crying. She said her back hurt even though she just had two procedures on her back. No improvement. She asked me for an ice pack and I threw it at her. Not in an aggressive way or a way to harm her but more like "here, take your fucking ice pack". It didn't hit her, so there is nothing like that. BUt it was at that moment that I realized I crossed a line of indifference.

The thing is, when 95% of the time she is in "pain", then that's "normal". IF she wasnt taking the massive amount of pain meds that we are BOTH on, then i understand. But 200 morphine equivilant per day  reduced her pain from a "7" to a "4" according to her and I'm just having a hard time believing it.

She was complaining about her knee until I got an MRI on my knee. SHe looked at it and said "OMG your knee is way worse thn mine, how are you not screaming out in pain?" Well, my answer was "I love life more than I'm worried about my knee pain so i just ignore it and it goes away" (this was before i was on anything.

Things have gotten WAY out of hand. 

If I had a girlfrined, i could deal with it. Someone who I can just hang out with and have a drink. Tonight, one hour into hanging out with some friends we had to go. This is normal. We can't maintian relationships or friendships or anything. And i miss the intimacy. I was thiking after we get done SITTING with our friends and having a drink, we might grab something to eat togeher, snuggle up on the couch, spend some time together. But it's the last week of the month so she's low on her pills so it's what I refer to as "hell week". Before I was prescribed the same meds "hell week" referred to her being in withdrawl anywhere from 7 to 14 days. Now at least i have some to supplement her. 


She has a serious condition: EDS. It's painful. I don't want to negatively impact her pain regiment. However, if the pain regiment is not actually allowing her to live some kind of quality of life then i don't see the point in pain management.

I've always been conscious of her pain. I expect 10% of what I expect from a relationship and I offer 100% like i would offer in any relationship. But i feel like I'm wasting my life. I already wasted my youth.


Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I know the only solution is to leave. I don't want to live without her but i can't live with her like this. And the more pain medication she's prescribed the 'worse" she becomes along wtih the more treatments she gets (injections, surgeries, etc).

I don't know what I can do. I have to be happy with myself before I can make someone else happy. 


IT's time to leave, isn't it?