Rough past few weeks | Caregiver Action Network


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 For the past idk 6 weeks its been rough. I had been fighting an intestinal illness for a couple weeks, cracked a tooth and switched days off so I could sleep on painkillers. My dentist had to cut it out. Worked ten days in a row after and on my second day off my Dad apparently had a stroke. We took him to ER and now he is in Rehab. Mom collapsed this morning and is in the hospital overnight for testing. I think shes going to be ok but honestly am scared to death. She made me promise not to tell dad and upset him. But he will find out if shes stuck in the hospital and doesnt come see him. they've been married 61 years. Also today Mom asks me in the ER to look at dad's checking acct because theres not much money in there. I dont know whats happened but hes overdrawn. Strange since hes always been very good about money. I setup overdraft protection from his savings and transfered some money from his savings. Not a good intro im afraid, just numb and afraid and wondering what comes next. Had to miss work today and boss was ok as he got my shift covered, but have to also be off tomorrow in case Mom can come home, dont think hes happy so may be looking for a new job. Numb

Neen's picture
how you holdin up?

You have your hands full but you can do it.


Tbh just slowly spinning away, work is breaking apart, retail and very shorthanded, boss handed the store over to his asst so he doesnt have to run things. Im basically killing myself everytime I work and cracking. Dad is much better but denies he had a stroke and wants to just go back to before. All the good things he was saying have been lost. Mom's senility and anxiety are peaking and at times drives me crazy. She had a daily stomach upset that turned out to be her bp meds but she didnt want to bother anyone. She was given new ones a month ago and it seems to have fixed things. Today she cancelled her doc appt where she would have gotten the new pills setup , cause she just didnt want to go to 'that building'. Trying to make her understand that she cant just drop her bo meds and she thinks thats funny. I'm trying to help them navigate thru this and be well but they act as if im not even in the room. My best friend has similar issues with his mom and he says you can only do so much. Just exhausted, starting to have health issues and stressed to the breaking point with folks and work. Been trying to get back in school but need lots of quiet study time and not getting it. Like trying to study in an asylum. I've explained school to them over and over and they nod and smile but just dont get it. pretty much decided theres no point to school or a career change or a dream. Sadly my present job will end soon and thatline of work is not viable to continue.

Neen's picture
Ugh! What a rough situation!

Ugh! What a rough situation! You are doing a great and noble thing, taking care of your parents. I live in NY where we are fortunate enough to have programs, aides and such. Anything like that by you?   Your job sucked anyway,surprise sorry, but something way better will come along. Can you get unemployment?In Ny they have senior respite day care for breaks for the family. If you could just geta break, a long ride or walk to the beach or park?I am so sorry you are dealing with this alone. Do you have any faith in God? Sometimes, as I know because my husband crashed his motorcycle 4 yrs ago, he is wheelchair bound forever, and I take care of him and two kids a house a dog the cars blah blah blah. Sometimes i want to crack my head in half and all i have is a prayer. My head is still in one piece so I recommend it..Honestly the hardest part is having people in my house regularly to help him.Aide 7 days a week, Nurses every six mos at least, blood lady weekly etc. I had to get over it and give up everything except my kids and home although its a wreck and we are in foreclosure again.My bro died last year and my gram passed right before him. they were my go to for support. I am blessed overall, because my daughters are healthy and happy and whatever. Otherwise, C'est la vie, thats life. Keep your chin up, make yourself happy, whatever it is you do. Everyone has something, go do it, you deserve it, you cannot get sick. So, go have fun or go cry somewhere try to break the cycle and don't be anxious like your mom. My mom made me anxious too from her own wishy washy tendencies.  Leave your parents to themselves as much as possible,(they got this far without us) make a quiet place even if it requires a lock on the door, redo garage, in summer Im on my porch alone.  Im forced to walk to the lake because house is tiny, his wheelchair huge.

Anyway, This is not forever either, you will get to school in time. Don't worry, things change quickly as you know, it will boom change again so.keep it up, drink water, rest blah bla lol you got this, many other kids would never do what you do for your parents.. good luck god bless.


Thanks for these words of encouragement. I'm 60, so a new job wont be so easy, ten years away from retirement. If it was just the folks i'd be ok, but stress from folks and job, which interferes greatly w/ studies. I've been loving doing 3d artwork for about 12 years, mostly as a hobby. three years ago my company ended my position so I took advantage of that to transfer back home and start school. But for several reasons that ended before graduation. I have since been trying to study on my own and have found an online school thats exactly what I want to do. But I dont know enough yet. Was hoping to get in in feb but not now. 

 I am a Christian, tho I dont go to church. I think if God werent looking out for me I wouldnt be here anymore. And I wonder if He didnt put me here at this time to take care of things. Mom shut down when dad got sick so they wouldnt have coped. And yes, I see it as my duty to see them through. But i'm still fighting to learn enough 3d tools to create what I wish. Even tho i'll never work in the industry I have stories to tell, at whatever level I can.  It's rather strange to me that  I knew all thru my life what I should be doing and what mattered yet I wasted it until this last year. It's like I woke up. And I see what matters in this life and how so many waste their lives. Some times I wish that I was still blind and dumb. I dont think they are bad enough off physically to get anyone, dad finished his PT this week but has a cognition doctor who comes out twice a week. But I dont think theyd get anyone else. 

 I dont know if I could get unemployment for voluntarily quitting work. Issues would be health insurance and wouldnt be getting a 401k, without which I couldnt ever retire. I'm rather stuck. I treasure the few hours after work, usually midnight to three, uninterrupted . Trying my best to be chill and keep studying, just dont seem to be able to focus and get anywhere. 


One thing that strikes me is that there are so many people who have this in life, and they persevere for the ones they love. And theres no fanfare, no prize. And for all the attention paid to silly frivolous people and things, its sad to me, but this is life. And life isnt in the new gadgets or the fav stars in hollywood or in any sport. Its in being an honorable person and lifting up those around you. So thank you for your compassion and kindness. Here is a link to some of my artwork

You've been through alot and are still going. That's what heroes do. God bless you and keep you and yours. 





jeanfisher's picture
If you haven't, check into
If you haven't, check into the possibility of your state being one that offers a program to pay family members as home health care providers. I'm in Oregon and there is great program run out of the state department - senior services. Good luck! You deserve some.

Never thought of that, thank you, will look it up


Good news is that Dad is

Good news is that Dad is better but he cant sleep. he falls asleep ok for 4 hours then thats it. Doc has had him on two diff meds and they havent been a permanent fix. he is able to nap in the afternoon for a couple hours sometimes and after dinner hes snoozing on the sofa, hes snoring so I assume hes sleeping. He told the doc that hes so tired his head drops and his eyes close but he cant sleep. Refuses to take melatonin, doesnt admit he naps, so no clue what else to try.  Mom's anxiety is pretty high tho she is coping. Dad is spending pretty much everything he gets, and yes the bills are getting paid but Mom is worried he is not in control. But I never know of what she tells me is true or her anxiety etc. Trying to sift thru. 

 My big brother in Cali is out of work and was down to his last couple hundred bucks. Neither he nor his wife have been working so Mom and Dad have been helping. Dad doesnt have any life ins and Mom has a nestegg she wont touch. So Dad has borrowed on his mortgage, which will drive his payment up. Being in Cali bro's rent and bills are higher than my folks.

 Sadly I lost my job new years eve and am still out of work. Trying to retrain to get an IT A+ cert and hopefully spend the last time of my life in IT and make enough to survive as I will not be able to afford to retire.

so here we are trying to study and keep meaning and hope, Moms anxiety drives me crazy as she refuses to cope with anything and has forgotten how to do alot ofnhings. She is the sweetest person in the world. dad refuses to believe that he had a stroke and will tell how awefull rehab was. That hospital was so amazing and they took great care ofhim. He got used to all the attention and misses it. he's like a little boy who wants to be babied. 

 Well, got that out.