I’m a Chinese American raised in the Confucian value of filial piety, which means to love, respect and care for our parents. So when my parents became too weak to live on their own, I moved them from California to my home in Virginia. After a decade of caregiving, the most important lesson I learned was: I have to take care of myself first.
The beginning of my caregiving journey was rough. My parents were unhappy because they had expectations that I couldn’t meet. Then my dad fell into depression, which forced me to take him to a psychiatrist. It turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever done for my dad. Aside from individual therapy, my mom and I also joined him for family therapy. I’m very grateful to Medicare for providing such good coverage for mental health care. Without all this therapy, we probably would have killed each other. Instead we became much closer as a family.
But after eight years in my home, my parents’ health had declined to a new low. At the same time my husband and I were getting up there too and facing our own health issues. We felt we couldn’t keep my parents in our home anymore. I agonized over what to do.
A friend told me about the Area Agency for Aging. It’s a government agency and has an office in every county and city. The agency sent a social worker to evaluate my parents’ needs. With their help I found an excellent assisted living home that was just right for them. And to top it all, the home was subsidized by the county and very affordable for middle class seniors.
A year later my mom broke her hip in a bad fall. Although surgery took care of the hip, it also worsened her dementia. She had to be placed in a nursing home. The cost at the time was $8,000 per person per month! Again a government program saved us. Medicaid stepped in and covered her expenses.
After my parents passed away, I wrote a book about my caregiving experience. It’s called Confucius Says, a novel about caring for aging parents in a Chinese American family.
The title was inspired by a Confucius saying about how to care for our parents: “Our body, hair and skin are all received from our parents, we dare not injure them. This is the first priority in filial duty.” This means: Do not hurt yourself. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
That’s why when friends come to me for caregiving advice, I always say, “Take care of yourself first.” I also tell them to go to their local Area Agency on Aging to find out about the resources out there. They’ll be surprised how many there are. Family caregivers don’t have to do everything themselves.