Hello Everybody,
I'm(38) new here and the decision to join today is completely out of despair. I need support bad.
My husband(43) has MS but I'm not his physical caregiver in the sense that his body, although it overheats and fatigues, he's able to work and function. Emotionally though, it's a whole different ball game.
He explodes in rage at literally anything and usually I'm his target since I'm the closest to him. Anything would set him off, if I say something he doesn't like or even if I don't say anything when he wants me to say something. It's practically impossible to predict and this takes a huge toll on my confidence and self-esteem because he uses the meanest words to attack my character. My reaction is usually to walk away. If I stay, he berates me for hours and when I walk away, he starts blasting me with phone calls, texts and emails. This usually leads him to start threatening me by saying things like "if you don't apologize sincerely and profusely for starting this immediately, I'm filing for divorce" or "you must leave my house before I get home" or "your FAMILY/FRIEND (someone who had plans to visit me or vice versa) isn't welcome here anymore and if they show up I'm going to make it hell for them," etc.
I stay strong mostly and when I break, I break. I cry for hours. This has been going on for years now. We've separated for about a year and a half, and he understood my issue and promised to be a better man but he cannot control himself. He treats me as if he hates me, but he won't let me breath and wants my company constantly even when he's being super mean. I feel suffocated and lonely. My friends and family wonder why do I stay, since this occurs literally every week and I can't make any plans because he'll make sure to destroy them if he gets angry. I explain to them that his disease is a disease of the nervous system and I feel like his capacity to regulate anger and control what triggers isn't the same as ours, plus he comes from a household where his father was/is verbally abusive to his mother who was financially dependent and accepted the poor treatment.
I don't have the support of his family or friends. They support him but they do not care to support me. I've asked his mother and brother for help before, but they just reply that I need to handle it better.
I've tried fighting back before, tried taking the blame and apologizing, tried diffusing, tried walking away. Nothing works. He suddenly is back to normal and then expects me to join him in whatever it is that he needs me to do for him. I love him and when he's good, he's a great husband who is loving, generous and supportive but then a switch goes off and at that point it's like he hates me. The name calling goes from *sshole to c*nt to worthless pos to monster to even calling my mother names. The name-calling and threats destroy me inside, it affects my work incredibly and my other personal relationships since I cannot be relied upon. I've had to pack completely to move out several times because of his threats only for him to beg me to stay at the last minute, saying that was not what he wanted. Then, he goes back to blaming me for whatever and starting this crazy, exhausting cycle all over again.
Is there anyone here that can relate to me and this situation with a MS loved one?
Lately I've been actually believing all these horrible names he calls me. I'm really down. I go to therapy and have consulted w/ a psychiatrist.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and looking forward to some support.