So I've had depression since I was 15 and I've been a caregiver to my mom since I was 22. I'm 32 now and my depression has felt worse this year, to the point where sometimes I feel suicidal.
Sometimes I feel like my mom would be better off without me. We can get along sometimes when we watch movies or eat certain foods but our relationship has never been close because she's emotionally unavailable and easily angered. My Dad passed away in 2012 and I became my mom's caregiver when her health got worse afterwards. It's been just me and her living together . I feel like I'm only helpful to her 75% of the time since I don't drive.
Another reason I feel like my depression is worse because of caregiving is because the weight of dealing with this for so long is painful especially since my support circle is small (no friends, older sister lives out of state, older brother barely visits even though he lives right down the street. I do visit his house to spend time with my nephews, niece, & sister in law but they don't visit because they know my mom doesn't like them).
I don't want to die, I just want my pain to ease up. I want to have friends that aren't just online and don't care for my circumstances but it's impossible to make them because of caregiving and the fact that I work from home. I want to know that I've been doing the best I can to care for my mom all these years.
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