Update on my Dad | Caregiver Action Network


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As most of you know my dad went into a nursing home at the beginning of Nov. What I didn't realize is that I thought things were tough when he lived with me. Having a loved one in a nursing home is a full-time job and it almost pushed me over the edge. But after sobbing on the phone to my brother he stepped in (finally) and took over. He became the primary contact person for the nursing home. He's dealing with the insurance and everything else that goes along with having a loved one in skilled care. I still know everything that's going on but my brother has picked up the ball for me and I'm very grateful. He's doing a great job. My dad is dying now. The Dr. spoke with us last week and with my dad. My dad is depressed, despondant, and heartbroken. He's not scared. I asked him if he was. He said no, that he just doesn't want to leave his family. He has an implanted defibrilator that is being turned off any day and my brother and I are going to strongly urge my dad to accept hospice although he's been hesitant to do so up until now. My dad will call one of us with a problem or issue but he'll call like at 9pm when it's close to impossible to get the issue resolved. He's not at peace and he cries. I pray every night that he passes away in his sleep instead of this painful and stressful decline he's in. My dad has a bucket list. He wants to 1.) eat a big breakfast at Denny's and 2.) Sit on a bench at Walmart and people-watch. He quit smoking years and years ago but he would also like a cigarette. I'm inclined to give him one. To give him whatever he wants. But I don't want 1 cigarette to spark a craving that will make him unfomfortable. He'd smoke this cigarette after the big Denny's breakfast. He'd also like a martini and this I will make happen. While he has many chronic illnesses what he's actually dying from is cirhossis but I figure that 1 martini isn't going to hurt him at this point and my brother agrees. And my dad likes the idea of me sneaking it past the staff. We were told by 1 nurse that if he makes it through this weekend she'll be surprised. I'm waiting for my phone to ring. I have it clear in my head what I'll need to do if I'm at work or if I'm scheduled to work. I've discussed hospice with my dad and he turned it down but he's not in the frame of mind to accept anything new right now so my brother and I are going to approach him again and strongly urge him to let us get hospice in place. We think it's what's best for him and he can no longer determine what's best for himself. My dad's been in bad shape before and almost 3 months ago we were told much of what we've been told now, that his time is short and we need to prepare ourselves. But he slid through that and he's still here so it's difficult to imagine that he's actually going to die soon but his labs show his body shutting down. He's so upset and so lost, I pray that he goes soon and that he goes peacefully. I've missed you guys! I pop on here on occasion but it doesn't look like there's much activity going on. Am I not navigating this site right or is there really not much activity here?

((((((((((((((Irishlass))))))))))))))))) Holding you all in prayer as you navigate these final days with your Dad. I had to laugh at the martini reference, because we did the same for my aunt, who used to drink a highball every night before bedtime. We were told by the nursing home that alcohol was expressly prohibited, and my sister and I thought, "Yeah, well...whatever." :-) I know your Dad treasures the love you have for him, and knows all you've done to help him live to the fullest. My guess is his sadness revolves around all that he has lost, all that he can no longer manage. And you cannot change that, no matter how much love you feel for him. It is a sad fact of life. I do pray he goes peacefully. Please know that you have our love and support as you continue to care for him. (((((((Hugs)))))))), Gaby PS - I have not been on much due to challenges here at home. It does seem much quieter. I miss our old forum.
((((Gaby)))) Good to see you! What's going on with you these days? How are you getting along? My brother and I have decided to pull the trigger on hospice ourselves. WE need the help. My dad calls us (usually me) and he's confused and agitated and I just react and it becomes so stressful so whether my dad has agreed or not we're bringing in hospice. As I said, my dad is not able to make healthcare decisions for himself, I am his designated representative for healthcare decisions and I have decided that hospice is necessary. If my dad ends up hating it we'll revisit our decision but we're overriding my dad and bringing in hospice. I miss the old forum too. This place is nicer and there's no spam but there's not a lot of interaction which is a shame. I've been guilty myself of not coming here more often to comment on posts. I'll make more of an effort to do that.
My condolences and sympathy

My condolences and sympathy for your story. Sometimes the thing people fear the most is not death, but being away from the people who love them the most. Try to be with your dad every day! Cherish your loved ones while you can. 

@EyerishLass basketball stars

@EyerishLass basketball stars I extend my prayers to all of you as you navigate through the concluding days with your father. The mention of the martini amused me, as a similar practice was seen in the case of my aunt, who would consume a highball beverage each evening prior to retiring for the night. The nursing home explicitly communicated to us that the consumption of alcohol was strictly forbidden. Despite this directive, my sister and I adopted a rather dismissive attitude towards the prohibition. It is evident that your father highly values the affection you hold for him and is cognizant of the extensive efforts you have made to facilitate his optimal well-being. 

Please remember that you're

Please remember that you're not alone, and we can take things at your pace. If there's anything practical or emotional that I can do to make things a bit easier for you, just let me know.

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