Hello! im so glad i found this place and i HOPE this is in the right place!
This is a little bit of a long story but to understand the full gravity of the situation im dealing with, i feel i must explain some history as well. (((dont worry i wont go too far back lol)))
My dad had been living in an elderly independant living high rise for the past 6 or so years. His health slowly declining....my older brother and his girlfriend living there with him (illegally because they were homeless and endangering my fathers tenancy there anyway) and taking advantage of him. Pretty soon as time went on, we all realized my father wasnt taking care of himself and was trying to hide his inability to be independant and this passed october after my borther and his leech girlfriend moved out finally, my dad was found totally unconscious, wedged between his bed and night stand, and rushed to the hospital where i was notifed later that day.
They told me he was unresponsive an stayed that way for the next day and a half, with the staff not understanding why they couldnt way him up and unable to give me any real answers. With my older brother and my dads relationship strained as well as My relationship with my brother at a stand still, i took on the duty of making sure our dad was ok. I stayed at the hospital with him, spoke with his elderly help caseworker as he was deemed no longer able to live on his own, and then began the process of packing his things at his apartment asking friends (close and not so close) for any kind of free help i could get.
I took care of all the things a good daughter should do in this type of a situation, even setting aside old issues with my older brother in an effort to get as much help as i could. Three days in, my brother refused to helped me and left me totally alone in dealing with everything, he just couldnt set things aside for what was an important family matter.
I was left to haul my dads things down to my car (because the money in his bank account wouldnt have been able to pay for a storage OR a uhaul) so i volunteered to store his things at my house for free and pretty much just whatever i could carry out in my arms was all i could take. The larger pieces of furniture i had to pay to have hauled away by got junk because my older brother was no longr around to help anyway....
While my dad spent time in the hopsital, then time in a rehab center, then moved again to another temporary place hes at now, i handled his bills, paid off his credit cards, and put my own life aside to make sure he got everything he needed and was as comfortable as could be given the situation.
Recently, hes started making accusations claiming that I DONT infact have his things at my house (which should be in a storage) but after doing some research and letting him know the prices, he said it was too much and told me to keep looking which i dont have time to do. He said he would not pay over a certain amount and theres no where in our city where i can find something that could hold all his things for the price limits he set. Pretty soon he was calling me everyday (sometimes 3 times a day for one thing or another) so i did what i thought i was supposed to do and ran errands for himwith him allowing me to use his atm card to fill my tank up so that i could drive to see him (its a 40 mile drive in total) im a stay at home mom with a husband who works but we are on a budget and for the things he asked of me, i couldnt afford it.
He has since this point in time, claimed that i with drew absorbadent amounts of his money to go out and feed my friends and have fun on his dime, threw away his things, and am lying about having them at my house (even tho im sitting here now looking at them as i type this) hes gone and called me asking me to buy him and (smuggle in) pain killers to the nursing home hes in, and cancelled his atm so that i dont have money to fill my tank to come see him even tho thats what he wants.
How do you deal with this kind of a situation?
i am the only living family member of his that even gives a damn about him. My only older brother hates him, my mother is dead having passed away three years ago, and the only member of my family with a car that can do things for him.
in recent weeks, because of the false accusations and his memory being as bad as it is and then the aggression, ive been forced to take a step back from the whole thing. I have a epilepsy and one of my triggers is heavy stress like this. It has started to efect me to the point where i cant focus, im zoning out, and have had alot of near misses with other cars lately having almost turned and smashed into the back side of a truck that should have been more obvious to me. Im more clumbsy and at times am being seen as oblivious to whats happening around me.
Im all he's got and i want to be there for him but hes convinced im doing things i never did besides pay his bills, feed friends who came over and volunteered their whole days to helping me move all his shit, and buying and delivering things he ASKED me to buy for him.
im just so frustrated, what do i do? how do i handle this all??
I feel your pain SO much. I took a leave of absence from work 9 months ago to take care of my elderly parents (especially my father who had severe health issues) and commuted 180 miles each way many times a month. My brother is very supportive but is in the military and lives 800 miles away. My mother and I have never had a close relationship and my brother was always the "golden child" and I was "the other one". I adored my father and he adored me. My mother was always jealous of of my relationship with my father and would tell strangers what a horrible child I was, even if I was standing right there. I'm still blamed for things that were said or done when I was 5 years old. Last month my father passed away and it has been very devistating to me, he was my world. Skipping ahead...Mom has been having memory issues for years but completely denies that there is any problem even when the doctor preformed tests and diagnosed her with dementia. Without Dad there to keep her under control with her dislike of me and the things she says to hurt me, it has become impossible for me to stay there any longer and I have moved back to my home. I feel horrible that I can't be there to help her but I couldn't stand the mental abuse any longer. My brother came down for Christmas and I went back while he was there. It wasn't happy or nice and after Mom made the comment that she didn't see where either one of us had done anything to help her and ever since I had always been the source of any problems between her and my father, it became clear that I had "lost" her in my life. I still want to be supportive and help her keep whatever independance she has left, but with I'm at a loss for what I can do at this point.