Hello

Hi to all of you,

I'm going into my first full year of caregiving for my husband. He is diagnosed with End Stage Liver Disease (ESLD), basically cirrhosis stage 4. He also has strong signs of Hepatic Encephalitis.

I took 6 months off of work to care for him this, but I had to return to my job, both financially and for my own well-being. He has "mostly" quit drinking but I know that he had a beer just two days ago (and spent all day yesterday sick and throwing up).

This is really difficult. Through my job at UCSF, I've gotten him hooked up with their excellent hepatology department, and I got him into the UCSF Palliative Care program for about a year now. But their goals are primarily focused on him (as should be) and that leaves me in a void of support for my issues.

The fact that we only met and fell in love 4 years ago, and have been married for 3 years, two of which he has been rapidly and progressively decreasing in mental and physical abilities, makes the situation harder. I'm so afraid that all I will remember are the hard times. I'm so afraid of my bitterness and anger. I'm exhausted and debilited by my depression and sadness (altthough I still "hold" everything together.

To quote Bonnie Tyler, "Total Ecliipse of the Heart,"

...Together we can take it to the end of the line Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time) I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks...

Anyway... TMI? Thanks for anyone who listened. And if you want to have a good cleansing cry, listent to that song full blast with the car windows whipping the words out of your mouth as you scream/sing along. :)

All best,

Kymberly