Hi everyone I’m new | Caregiver Action Network

Hi everyone I’m new

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Tiredalready75
Tiredalready75's picture
Hi everyone I’m new

Hi everyone, my name is Lynda and I am 57 years old. I am retired and caring for my 92-year-old widowed mother.  I moved down here in May 2021 to care for her full-time.

mom doesn't need much assistance with things, but because she has dry macular degeneration, heart issues, diabetes, and uses a wheeled walker she needs me to help her with writing checks, paying her bills, getting her food and drinks, groceries, etc. I really don't mind doing any of that. However, what I DO mind is the times that she acts like a spoiled, undisciplined two-year-old. It's almost like she's got a Jekyll and Hyde personality. She is a narcissist but more of a covert type.

She has a tendency to say rude, sarcastic, hurtful things to me. She has always done this, and has mellowed out some but still on occasion acts this way. If I refuse to accept her behavior, or try to defend myself, she goes into a rage, accuses me of everything you can think of (except stealing or trying to murder her LOL), tells me I will not let her talk, or says I "have an attitude but [I] don't think so."  I have tried very hard to be reasonable, firm, and loving in the times she has criticized me.  But she complains about that too. 

She insists she still has her mind, and will go out of her way to convince everyone of it. She refuses to be tested, doesn't want to go to a nursing home or assisted living facility, etc. TBH she can’t afford to go to either of them anyway. She appreciates my caring for her, but has a “do as I say not as I do“ attitude. Because she can't see very well she easily becomes confused. She also misunderstands things, & misreads/mishears things. She wears hearing aids but often you have to raise your voice to make her understand, as well as enunciate your words.

I live with Mom at her home, and have offered to pay my portion of the bills. However, she and I agreed that in lieu of payment for my services, she would instead pay the bills.  I try to make her understand that I absolutely Will not accept money from her. I tell her it's because I do not want to be dependent on her, but it's really because she equates money with love and thinks if she helps you financially, she's entitled to tell you what to do with your life.

we live out in the country, with limited resources. I recently had to trade in Mom's 12 year old car that was beat up and beyond repair for a 2015 one. I only received $2000 per month from my pension, and I pay bills on about 60% of it. I'd like to move out, but I just can't afford a mortgage payment. 

i'm sure some of you can relate, and I hope none of you have to care for a Jekyll & Hyde loved one. I think my mom might be a narcissist but not 100% sure, because she is not an overt type. She will constantly say that she is not perfect but she acts like she does nothing wrong.