Hello,
A friend recommended I contact others who may share the anxiety, depression, and grief of a caregiver. I thought it was difficult when my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's but it's far more overwhelming now. My mother, who was always solid as a rock, suffered three strokes in less than a year. When it happened, I was just happy she was alive and able to come home. I didn't realize damage to her brain would cause personality changes. I also didn't realize what the physical and mental losses would entail when it came to care. Essentially, I have two parents who need my help in my home.
I find myself living a yo-yo like existence...when my mother is "normal" it's so much easier to handle all the work that goes into caring for my father. But she isn't always normal. She goes through periodic episodes of anxiety, confusion, and anger...extreme anger. I consider myself a fairly strong, intelligent person but these episodes have left me worn out (I've had several break-downs). With my father, it's a nightmare where you watch this person you know and love disappear. You want to grieve for the loss but can't because the person is "there". It's a hellish limbo. With my mother, it's like I lost my best friend and the person that replaced her is a hateful stranger. Though I know this is stroke related, there is a part of me that fears these are things she thought of me before but never revealed...like the strokes removed her filters and she can't help herself.
I get annoyed with myself because there are times when I can't function, the hurt and stress are just too overwhelming, and this is weakness. I really get annoyed when I start thinking that something bad should happen to me just to make my mother remember she loves me. This is not who I am.
If there is anyone out there who has a trick to pushing back the negative emotions...please do share.
