Can't stop crying | Caregiver Action Network

Can't stop crying

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BobbyB's picture
Can't stop crying

My wife's kidney failed. She's on dialysis now. I'm taking her to dialysis every other day, working full time and doing literally every little thing at home. I do all the cooking and cleaning, take care of the dogs and do a million and one other little things that no one thinks about until there's no one else to do them. On top of that I'm doordashing around all of this because we are so far in debt that we could become homeless any day. I'm at the end of my rope. The tiniest little setback is enough to make me so angry and I'm not allowed to express it if I get angry, even for a second, my wife tells me to "chill out". She expects that this will make me swallow my anger and just give in to whatever crap I'm being put through ATM. This, of course, is not how this works and it makes me angry AT HER. I'm so overwhelmed all the time and I feel like everyone, the doctor's, hospitals, local law enforcement, even her, hell, even the local taco bell is out to make my life a living hell. The whole world is against me and I have no friends here. I feel like I'm not wanted and don't belong and I'm tolerated because I keep working. I feel like if I express any of this, I'm being told to stop being a drama queen and get back to work. This is not the life I want and I can't live it much longer. I feel like I'm on the fast track to suicide.

This is obviously not how it

This is obviously not how it works, and I get upset with her because of it. I always feel so overwhelmed and that everyone is trying to ruin my life—the doctors, hospitals, local law enforcement, even her—hell, even the taco bell down the street. I have no friends here, and everyone is against me. Because I keep working, I feel as though I'm tolerated and that I don't belong. If I say anything about this, I feel like I'll be told to quit being a drama queen and get back to work. I can no longer continue to live this life since it is not what I desire. I feel like I'm headed straight for suicide. 

ellenB's picture

I completely understand and share some of the same emotions. Support is difficult to find when you really need it. You are so young, and I guarantee you that this is not forever. Put one foot in front of the other, moment by moment. It's difficult to breathe but it does help to exercise even for a minute. Also, try chanting (Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo...even 5 minutes. It helps). I don't know if you are close I don't know where you are but I'm sharing your sadness and feel for you. My husband has cancer (2016) and Parkinson's (2007) and weakens by the day.

I understand what you are

I understand what you are going through. It seems like everything is trying to knock you down. I don't know how to advise you, but I hope you will always be strong to support your wife. She won't be able to live without you