Resentment Is Not a Character Flaw. It’s a Caregiving Reality.

Resentment Is Not a Character Flaw. It’s a Caregiving Reality.

There are things family caregivers think but almost never say out loud, not to their siblings, not to their friends, sometimes not even to their spouse. A member of the Caregiver Action Network Community Facebook Group said one of them.

They posted anonymously. We’ll call them Drew.

Their post opened with a sentence that tells you everything about how heavy this subject is: “I am not a horrible person.”

Then they explained why they felt they had to say it first.

What Drew Was Carrying

Drew’s mother and mother-in-law, both in their mid-eighties, live with Drew and their spouse. Their children are heading off to college, so this should be the season when the house finally gets quieter and their time starts belonging to them again. Instead, there are two seniors in the home and a hundred small daily tasks that get absorbed without much notice. Every outing has to be planned in advance so both women are comfortable.

Drew has supported their mother financially since they were the age they are now. They wrote that they did it because they wanted to. What hurts is that no one seems to see what it costs, and that the freedom they pictured at this stage of life keeps moving further out of reach.

They weren’t asking anyone to fix it. They said they wanted to vent their caregiving reality somewhere safe, hoping others would understand and share what they had learned.

That’s exactly what happened.

What the Community Said Back

The first thing Drew got was recognition, not correction.

One member wrote that most caregivers, if they’re being honest with themselves, feel grief and frustration and anger at some point, and that continuing to show up anyway is the part that actually matters. Another pointed out that unless you have done this work, it’s hard to grasp that caregiving runs 24 hours a day with no days off. Someone else said her own mother lives with her too, and that it has been the hardest season of her life even as she treasures the time.

Then came the information, the kind that’s difficult to find through a search engine because it lives in other people’s experience.

One member described enrolling in as many caregiver classes as she could find, many of them offered virtually, and counting that time as her own. She added that she hadn’t understood how much an adult day program helps the caregiver until she started using one twice a week. Another shared that respite programs were a lifesaver while she and her sister cared for their mother with dementia, and encouraged Drew not to wait too long to learn what hospice actually offers. Someone suggested contacting the local Area Agency on Aging about caregiver support services. Others compared notes on hiring in-home help and on state programs that pay family members for caregiving hours.

Nobody told Drew they shouldn’t feel the way they felt. They validatd their caregiving reality.

Why This Space Exists

Caregiving is often described as an act of love, and it is. It is also physically exhausting, financially draining, and frequently invisible to everyone outside the household. Both of those things are true at the same time, and holding them together is one of the hardest parts of the work.

Feelings of resentment, guilt, and grief show up in that gap. They are not evidence that you love someone less. They are evidence that you are a human being doing a job that was never meant to fall on one person.

Nearly 4,000 family caregivers have joined the Caregiver Action Network Community Facebook Group because they needed a place where they could say the difficult thing and get understanding in return, along with the specific, local, hard-won advice that comes from people who have already tried it.

Whether you are caring for a parent, a spouse, a child, or a friend, and whether you are dealing with Alzheimer’s disease, stroke recovery, autism, mental illness, or a diagnosis you are still fighting to get, there are people in this community whose days look like yours.

Join Us

The Caregiver Action Network Community Facebook Group is a private space built for family caregivers.

When you’re approved, introduce yourself and tell us a little about who you care for and your caregiving reality. Someone will be glad you did. 🧡

Join Now

Already a member? Bring someone with you. The “invite” button at the top of the group page adds a Facebook friend in a couple of clicks, and the “share” button next to it gives you a link you can send to caregivers who aren’t on Facebook.

Caregiver Action Network Resources

If these caregiving themes resonate with you, Caregiver Action Network offers free resources to support caregivers through every chapter of their own journey.

Resources to explore: